Verse 1

Daddy caught Mommy kissin’ Santa Claus last night,

By the twinklin’ tree, in the soft red light.

Oh what a sight, oh what a fight,

Chestnuts cracklin’ while the stockings took flight.

Cookies on the table started crumblin’ down,

Milk hit the floor, soaked Daddy’s gown.

Pre-Chorus

He yelled, “Ho-ho-NO, what’s goin’ on here?”

Santa dropped his sack and reached for his beard.

Chorus

Daddy caught Mommy kissin’ Santa Claus last night,

Right under the mistletoe, it didn’t feel right.

Reindeer ducked for cover, sleigh bells rang in fear,

It made such a clatter, the whole neighborhood scattered.

Verse 2

Rudolph slid sideways, Prancer hit the deck,

Donner dove behind the Nativity set.

The tree fell over, angels took a spill,

“Silent Night” shattered on the windowsill.

Daddy grabbed a broom like it was a sword,

Yelled, “This town ain’t big enough for two red suits!”

Pre-Chorus 2

Santa said, “Easy, pal, it ain’t what you think,”

While elves hid out back takin’ shots of eggnog drink.

Chorus

Daddy caught Mommy kissin’ Santa Claus last night,

North Pole justice ’bout to start a fight.

The bells were ringin’, the neighbors arose,

Peepin’ through the blinds in their Christmas clothes.

Bridge

(Cliché Chaos)

The Grinch felt jealous three houses away,

Ebenezer Scrooge yelled, “Bah humbug!”—okay!

Tiny Tim tapped rhythm on a candy cane,

Frosty melted halfway from the heat of the blame.

Even the drummer boy lost his beat,

While Grandma got run over tryin’ to cross the street.

Verse 3

Police sirens wailin’ like angels on high,

Carolers froze as the truth flew by.

Mommy laughed and said, “Honey, calm down slow—

That’s just the mall guy from the late-night show!”

Santa pulled his beard, let the secret slip,

Just a seasonal gig, plus hazard-pay tips.

Final Chorus

Daddy caught Mommy kissin’ Santa Claus last night,

But it all worked out by the mornin’ light.

Cookies were baked, milk poured again,

Reindeer relaxed, peace back in the den.

Daddy shook Santa’s hand with a nervous grin,

Said, “Next year, pal… knock before comin’ in.”Now Daddy laughs every Christmas Eve,

When Santa swings by, they both believe—

It ain’t about blame, it’s about good cheer,

And keepin’ your spouse off Santa’s beard each year.

So lock your doors and trim your tree,

And hide your wife from that jolly old “me.”

(spoken, half-laughing)

“Merry Christmas… and tip your mall Santas.”